Jason X
Release Date:
April 26, 2002
Remember that horror phase of the late '90s? The one with the cheeky, self-aware horror films that was kicked off by Scream? Remember how it petered out the past few years (Jeepers Creepers, I'm looking in your direction)? Well, apparently New Line, clearly waaay too flush with money from Peter Jackson's blood, sweat, and tears, thought they'd waste some cash on an actual theatrical release for a film that literally nobody was asking for. That's right, it's a TENTH Friday the 13th film! TEN! The last installment, Jason Goes to Hell (Ernest's brother?), made nearly $16 million. Given that the budget for Jason X is a little over $15 million, New Line seems to have stumbled onto a veritable cash cow.
Starring absolutely nobody you'd ever pay to see in a community theater, this movie purports to be about a bunch of people in the year 2455 on "Old Earth" (which sounds like a lazy way of writing "we don't have any good ideas", but I digress) who moronically (and I'm not referring to the characters, but rather the "actors" who agreed to do the "film") stumble across the world-famous Jason Voorhees frozen, in suspended animation, blah, blah, blah, amongst the rubble that remains of this planet, and, of course, he wakes up and kills them all. The end. But of course, there's more. And more. And we'll probably be cursed with a sequel to the sequel to the sequel.
Wait, look! It's someone in the cast we know! It's David Cronenberg! He has a career! He's a director! Well, he was. It's just a hunch, but it seems likely that even Holly Hunter won't talk to him now that his name is mixed up with Jason X. Poor David. At least Kevin Williamson knew to take his horror money and go into television, where he could foist crap on people who could just change the channel if they wanted to. I haven't seen Jason X, nor will I, but I'll go out on a limb and assume that neither will 99.999999% of the American public. I'll also guess that the .000001% that do will immediately put a hit out on everyone involved, if only to get retribution for their $7.50 and two hours of their lives. Looks like another banner year for the long-dying horror industry. Quick note to anyone thinking of making a horror film (Moustapha Akkad, I'm looking in your direction): THE HORSE IS DEAD. STOP BEATING IT!
My final prediction: Jason X will make as much money in theaters as your average resident of Antarctica would make selling ice. (Les Winan/BOP)
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