The Six Million Dollar Man
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The Six Million Dollar Man was cool. Bionic cool. I don't just say this because I had the Six Million Dollar Man lunchbox, the Underoos and the bedspread either. Lee Majors was one of the most engaging television actors of the 1970s, and his bagging Farrah Fawcett and forming the super couple of that generation backs me up on this. He was perfectly cast as one of the most unique television characters of all-time.
For those of you living under a rock or, even worse, born after 1980 (get off my lawn!), the Six Million Dollar Man was the story of Steve Austin, a NASA astronaut/Air Force Colonel (he was so badass he got two titles) who had a near fatal accident. The result was for the man to be crippled and helpless. Rather than lose a national hero, government officials made the bold decision to augment his body with cybernetic parts. Steve Austin became the world's first Bionic Man. Effectively, he was a cyborg though we didn't call him that at the time.
His bionic computer parts allowed him to run exponentially faster than a normal man, and also imbued him with super-human strength. Since Austin was a boy scout through and through, he resolved to use his newfound abilities to find crime wherever it might be encountered. Since it was still the Cold War Era, most of those baddies came from Russia. Nobody hates a commie bastard worse than the bionic man Steve Austin, God bless him.
The Six Million Dollar Man was a great show with a huge star playing the role of a lifetime. Fast forward to the present where, for no particular reason, Universal Pictures and Dimension Films have decided to destroy the show's good name by considering casting options such as Jim Carrey. What once was an action show is now to be funny faces and scatological jokes. And people say hate crimes come out of nowhere.
Like the recent Starsky and Hutch, the movie version of The Six Million Dollar Man promises to mine the subject matter for laughs. As Carrey himself states about the script, "Six million dollars doesn't get you a lot in this world these days, so you can imagine where the plot's going to go." Have I mentioned that I hate Jim Carrey and his ass face?
Details of the plot are still sketchy to the point that this is not even a confirmed production at this point. Hopefully, since we are still in the early stages of the project, someone somewhere will come to the realization that this is a catastrophe in the making but then again, The Cable Guy got made, so we should probably brace ourselves for the inevitable. It's enough to make me want to cry myself to sleep on my Six Million Dollar Man sheets. (David Mumpower/BOP)
